Due to overwhelming demand, I’ll be doing a Date Movie synopsis sometime later this week. I’ve also recieved requests for Epic Movie, which I probably won’t do, since the folks at Agony Booth already have it covered, and I don’t think the movie really needs a second opinion.
In the meantime, for my non-Friedman/Seltzer-related reviews, check out my other site.
Regular readers of this site probably remember that a few months ago Liongate auctioned off autographed movie posters to raise money for AIDS research. I managed to get the winning bid on one of the four Disaster Movie posters via the ingeiously clever tactic of being the only person in the entire world to bid on it. I got it for the minimum bid of $50. To keep things in perspective, the SAW 5 posters were bringing in $400 a peice. Anyways, this weekend my poster finally arrived!
The poster is hanging proudly over my big blue chair, a spot formerly occupied by a giant wall-to-wall Canadian flag. Some you win, some you lose. Let’s have a closer look at some of the celebrities that signed it:
In case you can’t read that, it’s Carmen Electra’s autograph right there above Batman. She signed in gray on a gray background. You have no idea how long it took me to find it.
And that right there is none other than KimKardashian’s signiature! That’s right, the woman who… uh… Well, she was in Disaster Movie!
Thanks, Lionsgate, for donating money to such a great cause. And thanks, everybody else in the world, for completely ignoring the auction and allowing me to get the poster for the minimum bid.
In other news, I know I promised more bad movie recaps, but my computer was taken down by a big pain in the ass of a virus this week. The downtime let me catch up on a few movies I’ve wanted to tackle for a while, so at least it wasn’t a total waste. However, one thing struck me partway through watching a particularly terrible horror movie – as bad as the movie was, it paled in comparison to Disaster Movie. One of the joys of being a bad movie connoisseur is finding an even worse movie than what you previously thought was possible. I don’t think that can ever happen for me again. In fact, every movie on the planet is now slightly better just because of Disaster Movie’s existence.
It’s been a week since Disaster Movie opened, and I have two oddities to report on. First, the two contest finalists turned out to be brothers. What are the odds of that? Congrats both, you must have grown up watching terrible movies together.
Second, someone revised the Disaster Movie Wikipedia entry to contain my entire review. That was quite a surprise to see! A big thanks to the annonymous vandal.
I was checking the “entry” mailbox one last time, and it turns out someone sent in an entry late Friday. Not only was the contest closed at that point, but the winners have already been contacted and the prizes are already in the mail. Nevertheless, let’s have a look at how Ben did:
Hey HeyPlease post my jokes, I swear on my life that i have not seen seen the movie yet and i forgot to send my jokes in on wendesday but i have been busy. Please post my jokes please i really want to win that copy of Airaplane!Anyway if your nice!…
My name is Ben Dover
and My Five jokes you think will appear in Disaster Movie are:
1 Kim Kardashian is best known as a headline-grabbing socialite with a famously shapely rear end. She appears alongside Carmen Elektra in spoof comedy Disaster Movie, the plot of which she explained to TVGuide.com.
2 “Basically, it’s about a group of friends trying to get out of New York city because all these natural disasters are happening,” she said. “Along the way, we spoof everything.
3 “All of the superhero movies – Iron Man, Batman and The Hulk — Sex and the City, Amy Winehouse, Miley Cyrus, the Jonas brothers, Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo…. We do everything. Indiana Jones, High School Musical….”
4 Kardashian has her own opinion about the film’s highpoints: “The funniest part of the movie, I have to say, is Amy Winehouse. That character is hysterical.”
5 Of her own involvement she feels her wrestling scene with Carmen Electra was pretty special: “Carmen and I spoof the WWE Divas, and we do a whole wrestling scene. We had to learn all these choreographed moves, so it looked way crazier than what it was. We had stunt doubles to help us with the super-crazy stuff, but it was insane.”
I don’t think using a snippet from an interview counts as a submission, but lets see how he did:
1 Kim Kardashian is best known as a headline-grabbing socialite with a famously shapely rear end. She appears alongside Carmen Elektra in spoof comedy Disaster Movie, the plot of which she explained to TVGuide.com.
Yes, Kim Kardashian does indeed have a nice butt, and she is in Disaster Movie with Carmen Electra.
2 “Basically, it’s about a group of friends trying to get out of New York city because all these natural disasters are happening,” she said. “Along the way, we spoof everything.
No, they’re not trying to escape the city, barely any natural disasters happen, and nothing they do could be considered a “spoof”.
3 “All of the superhero movies – Iron Man, Batman and The Hulk — Sex and the City, Amy Winehouse, Miley Cyrus, the Jonas brothers, Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo…. We do everything. Indiana Jones, High School Musical….”
This is kind of confusing, the way this reads, but I think the gist of what she’s saying is that the Jonas Borthers are super heroes. No, they’re not.
4 Kardashian has her own opinion about the film’s highpoints: “The funniest part of the movie, I have to say, is Amy Winehouse. That character is hysterical.”
No, she sure as fuck isn’t.
5 Of her own involvement she feels her wrestling scene with Carmen Electra was pretty special: “Carmen and I spoof the WWE Divas, and we do a whole wrestling scene. We had to learn all these choreographed moves, so it looked way crazier than what it was. We had stunt doubles to help us with the super-crazy stuff, but it was insane.”
Thrusting your cleavage at the camera over and over again could count as choreography, so sure, why not.
You got two right. Sorry Ben, but you don’t win, and neither (surprisingly) does Kim Kardashian.
IMDB: 1.2/10, voted the #1 worst movie of all time
Budget: $25M
Gross: $7.2M
She’s a flop! Lionsgate pretty much shelved Midnight Meat Train so they could get this into as many theatres as possible for the long weekend, and it looks like it’s totally blown up in their faces. Don’t expect interest in the movie to pick up either – if this site’s traffic is anything to go by, pretty much everyone has already forgotten about it. My recap was being posted all over the internet by Sunday, and traffic to the site went up by nearly ten times! It’s only been a few days since then, but traffic’s already down to a standstill, down to less than before the movie came out. Interest in the movie has completely dried, leaving its profits tens of millions in the red. Even better, Spy Movie turned out to be a hoax, and the only upcoming credit IMDB lists for Friedberg and Seltzer is a “characters by…” credit in Scary Movie 5. It looks very much like the end of their careers. Holy shit, I can’t believe I just wrote that!
Spy Movie is coming, and that can only mean one thing – Spy Movie Contest! There’s nothing there yet, but I thought I’d better snipe the website before the movie studio does. I’ll throw up some preliminary stuff there as soon as I get ftp access.
Michael posted this in the comment section of one of the updates, and I thought I should re-post it here for the people who never read the comments section. It’s mind-boggling.
You mentioned how revolting the blood-drenched “comedy” was. When I went to a screening last night** there was a father who brought in his little girl who was about four and sat in front of me. The father seemed like the type that pays zero attention to what he brought his kid to see, not only was this a PG-13 rated film that might not have been appropriate for his girl, but they walked in about twenty five minutes late, which was close to the halfway mark. The girl was mostly silent while he chuckled at a few staggeringly unfunny gags.
The girl seemed to perk up when “Enchanted Princess” made her appearance. I think he said “look, it’s Giselle” to her or something like that to get her interested. About ten minutes later, we got the glass eating scene. She covers her eyes. The father was chuckling not noticing in the slightest that the sight of her beloved Giselle with blood dripping from her mouth was upsetting the poor girl. Then came the chipmunk scene. She seemed to perk up but covered her eyes again when they went rabid. When they began chewing the spine out of Juney’s back, she started crying. She finally stood up and begged her father to take her, sobbing, out of the theater. I wanted to punch the guy in the nards.
That idiot owes that poor girl. Big time.
** – Why on God’s green earth would I go pay to see Disaster Movie. It was almost like crying uncle. After seeing the Friedberg/Seltzer conveyorbelt of shit become box office hits again and again. I had to see one in its element for myself. Are people actually laughing at these things? I wanted to see who enjoys it and who walks out. Apart from the man and his girl, the theater was empty apart from a couple in their 20s (they walked out after 30 minutes) and a large group of eight, five adults and three kids. The three kids giggled at the poop and burp humor and at some of the references. The only time the adults laughed (sorta) was at the man-in-drag Carrie Bradshaw. As they were leaving the theaters, the kids look like they had a good time. The adults looked like they had just been informed a loved one had died.
I myself felt shellshocked by the end. I never conceived that something could be worse that Meet the Spartans, but sure enough, it was. What can I say about the film that hasn’t already been stated time and time again in this and many other forums? We know the drill. Pop culture references not satire. They have to point out the character impersonations. “Oh look, it’s Amy Winhouse”. They’re breaking out into hip hop. Hey, it’s another dance off!. These aren’t disaster movies. They’re just spoofing the trailers! And so on.
I think I can safely estimate that about 60% of the predictions that we’ve seen on this site were funnier than what was in the actual film. You see, you guys tried to imagine the worst possible crap that Friedberg and Seltzer could throw at the screen and they still exceeded your expectations.
Hey everyone, I’m Y-Hat. I actually came up with the idea for a prediction contest of some sort, but BulletRiddled created the website and wrote all of the entries. Think of me as the screenwriter and BulletRiddled as the studio that picked up the idea and ran with it.
In any case, I’m about to ruin your day. This YouTube link contains the cast of Disaster Movie talking about how funny it is and how they spoof everything under the sun. It’s painful to watch and I truly regret bringing this to the light of day, but it’s an important look at the mindset of your average “_____ Movie” watcher. Enjoy… or don’t.
It’s done!
I’ve gone through every single one of your guys’ 110 entries, all 550 jokes, and calculated just who won out of the 60 of you that managed to guess something correctly. It turned out to be showdown between three people who managed to guess a whopping four jokes apiece:
http://contest.disastermovie.org/?page_id=193
Congrats to the winner, congrats to the loser, and thanks all for playing, it’s been a blast! Keep tuned here for more Friedberg/Seltzer news as it becomes available, or check out my other site at badnewscentral.com for reviews of other bad movies/music/gadgets and any other terrible products I can get my hands on.
See you in January 2009 for Spy Movie!
I’m typing up the awards as we speak, and well over half of you guys managed to guess something right. Until I’m done with hat, though, give this a listen. SomethingAwful Goon Pet Rock Band saw the movie and took notes, and fellow Goon mobo85 narrated it. It’s absolutely hilarious.